I think there's a pub along here somewhere.'She took a deep breath. 'I could do with one too — I need something... 'We found the pub, walking in silence, both of us preoccupied with our thoughts. I pushed aside the heavy blackout curtain, and we went inside.The pub was crowded, full of servicemen of all nations, with their girlfriends — some of them may have been wives, but I doubted if anyone other than me were with their mothers...I ordered a pint of weak wartime beer, and by some miracle they had gin, and I ordered a double for Mum. There were no free tables, but we found a shelf against the wall we could stand. Next to us were a bunch of Polish soldiers, and I thought we'd be able to speak freely without anyone understanding.Mum took a long sip of her drink, staring at me, her eyes brimming with tears.'I — I don't know what to say, dear, ' she said.I squeezed her hand. 'You don't need to say anything, Mum.'She held onto my hand, and I couldn't help thinking this was the hand that. Uh..." You mean she's nervous about my dying. You're allowed to say what we all know is going to happen," Alex told her."OK, Cate's nervous about you dying and she doesn't know how she'll handle it. She's been trying to prepare for it, and she wants to be sure she can handle it when it occurs, so she arranged this some time ago so she'd know how she'd cope without you. So she plans to wait as long as possible before returning. She's not so much giving us a chance as she's allowing us to distract you so you don't have to suffer what she's putting herself through." Wow. That's a lot to process. Shit. I guess we should have been discussing my death more, but frankly, the only way I can continue is to block it out of my mind. If I concentrate on my own death, on what it implies and what it'll be like and especially what it'll do to Cate and everyone else, I'm afraid I'll freeze up and be unable to continue with what I need to do. Frankly, I feel whoever is behind all of this, whether.
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